Blessed with preemies

Thoughts for today

2009-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

Some words which a friend sent to me:

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper. Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking. It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, their first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Random ramblings

2009-09-06T02:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything. Not much going on really. Tired all the time, but can't sleep at night. I guess there's just too much running through my head and I can't just turn it all off and clear my thoughts. Like all mothers, I just hope that I'm always doing what's best for my kids and always making the right decisions. I wish I had all the right answers, but sometimes not everything is clear.

Cody's birthday

2009-07-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

My sweet, shy, amazing first living child is eight years old today. Eight years ago today I was at his bedside while machines breathed for him and medicines pumped into him through an i.v. in his head. Today, he is a thoughtful, loving, smart boy that has beaten the odds. That guilt that I still have over his birth is still there. No body knows it's there but me. I've heard many people say that there's nothing I could have done. I held on and fought to keep the pregnancy going longer. The progesterone injections, the cerclage, terbutaline, magnesium sulfate. All of this was just not enough, the contractions wouldn't stop. But somewhere deep down within me, I tell myself that it was my body that did that to him. It made him struggle on a ventilator for more than a month. I should just let the guilt go, but I just ~~can't~~ won't.

This is what summer looks like...

2009-06-27T11:57:00.001-07:00

Dirty boys and their dirty feet...

Not me! Monday

2009-06-01T09:27:00.000-07:00

I suppose it's time to attempt Not me! Monday. Take a look at where this all started: Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

Friday night I did not go to a bar.

And while I was not there, it did not take just a few drinks to get me drunk.

At that same bar, I did not walk out of a stall in the bathroom just in time to notice a man in the stall next to me with the DOOR OPEN! using the facilities. Not me!

While with my children on Saturday here: Harborside park on a nice sunny day I did not almost get in a shouting match with another mother. Her children were very rudely splashing way too much right next to us. When one of them splashed my four year right in the face on purpose, I very loudly did not say "he DOES NOT want to be splashed." The mother then informed us if we did not want to be splashed then perhaps we should move further away from the water like she was. Excuse me woman, but I expect my children to listen when they are told not to splash other people. She said she did not want us talking to her children. We stayed even though it was uncomfortable, because we did not want her to win. Turns out, she had to move two fountains down because her kids ran off down there and ignored her when she told them to come back.

Thought for the Day

2009-05-16T23:15:00.001-07:00

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Why?

2009-05-13T16:37:00.000-07:00

Why is this grief hitting me so hard lately even though it's been more than 10 years?

Why do I still feel so guilty even though there is nothing that I could have done to save her?

Why do I still find it so hard to be around baby girls for any length of time?

Why do I force myself to be strong and hold back tears until I'm alone?

Why do I answer the question "how are you doing?" with the word "fine" when that couldn't be further from the truth?

Why, when people ask, "are you okay" do I still deny it and just answer that I'm tired?

Because I don't really want anyone to know what's going on in my head. I want to spare them from this horrific dark place. It's just easier than letting out the truth.

Can you believe it?

2009-04-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

It is snowing today, has been all day long. Snow just does not belong in April. Yes, it is April Fool's Day, but I am not joking. Here in the Pacific Northwest where all it does is rain, we have had a ton of snow this year. It looks like the snow is sticking and is not showing any signs of stopping. I am so ready for the weather to warm up a little bit. I can't wait for the long weekend. I have part of Thursday and Friday off. Cody is on Spring Break and we have some fun stuff planned. Now I just need this snow to go away like right now!!

The other day I found a perfect shirt for Logan and just had to get it. It says "I'm a good boy...well sometimes." Too funny. He has his moments, he can be really sweet when he wants to, but boy does he have a temper at times. My mom got the kids kites the other day and Logan keeps wanting to fly his "Buzz Mightyear" one. It's so cute how he says it that way and of course Cody has to correct him ~~sometimes~~ every single time.

Sellout

2009-03-30T17:34:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's me I have officially become a sellout. Remember all the hype a few months back about Twilight? I was laughing and calling all these people crazy. I watched it this weekend on blu-ray and I loved it!! Now I really, really want to read the books and can't wait until there is a new movie out.

With the small amount of increase in temperature we've been to the park a few times lately.

This weekend we are going to the Pacific Science Center and taking the kids to see Monsters vs. Aliens in 3D. They absolutely love 3D movies.

Crossroads

2009-03-19T22:00:00.000-07:00

I've had a rough couple of weeks. Honestly it's been quite some time since I've slept well. I feel so overwhelmed. These people who think they are doing good feel the right to personally attack me. Most of the time they have said that these pictures are not that bad and I should just look away. That they can't possibly be affecting me as bad as they are. And then they have the nerve to say if it is that bad in my eyes than I must need professional counseling. Let me tell you, that one threw me for a loop. I just wonder why this is all happening right now? Why am I being faced with this? I feel so lost. A post from Angie from Bring the Rain was written so eloquently and really gets to the heart of what I'm trying to say:

"Are there places in your life where you think, "God wouldn't care about this. He's got too much on His plate to try and figure out how to help me through this day."

May I be honest? Sometimes I do.

As much as I trust in Him, believe He is Who He says He is, and welcome the opportunity to praise Him, there are moments (like this week when I lost my favorite Bible), that I think might just have fallen off His radar because He was trying to, you know, save the world and all.

I feel like a tiny, tiny sandwich, and it is hard to picture His hands on the little, tiny knife.

I know, I know.

It isn't Biblical, and it isn't true. I have dozens of scriptures that tell me that.

Can I just say this, though? As someone who loves and trusts Him more that she could ever articulate?

It doesn't always feel that way."

Where to begin

2009-03-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

I've had a rough couple of days, although I think I handled it better than I thought I would. I took the boys to the grave on Sunday. Logan thought it was a park at first. We spent a little bit of time there and I got a few pics of the boys. Later in the day in his quiet reflective sort of way, Cody said "it would have been nice to have a big sister." How much I love his sensitive little heart. He can be such a loving sensitive kid.

Rebuttal

2009-03-04T23:19:00.000-08:00

So one of the people that were holding up the signs wrote a rebuttal to my letter. Both of the letters had many comments to them and I'm proud to say almost all of them were in support of me. I am anticipating that they will be out tomorrow and I am gearing myself up for it. I know in my heart that nothing I say or do will get them to stop but I just want them to see the face of a person that they have hurt so badly. I need to stand up for my children, the ones here with me and the ones that are not. I don't want my boys to be forced to see something like this and I need to protect the memory of those not with us from being exploited for a cause.

Letter to the editor

2009-03-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

I decided to write a letter to the editor for the local paper. I didn't get a response to my email so I thought they weren't going to do anything with it. My sister texted to let me know that I was in the paper. I was shocked to hear it and so happy. I really feel like I have actually accomplished something. Here it is as it is written for the paper:
PORT ORCHARD — I am writing in response to the abortion protesters that I'm sure a lot of people saw on Saturday. I am very upset and horrified by this.

For those of you that did not see it, they had very large photos of dead babies on all four corners of an intersection near Warren Avenue Bridge. My children were with me and I am very appalled that they had to see that. I monitor what they see on television and never imagined that they would see something like this in their young lives.

I don't care how strongly a person feels about abortion, they should never force these pictures on anybody. I lost a baby girl at 20 weeks and it will be 10 years on Sunday since her death. I can't imagine how many women have gone through what I have only to have something like this shoved in their face.

If any of you protesters are reading this I hope you're happy with yourselves. You have hurt far more many people than you will ever help. You have traumatized my children and I'm sure countless others. Thank you for nothing.
Article

So, so mad!!

2009-03-01T15:37:00.000-08:00

We had two birthday parties to go to yesterday and were running late as usual. It seems like it takes forever to get ready on the weekends. Anyway, we were heading out to get the gifts really quick and I came up on a busy intersection. At a really busy intersection, there were abortion protestors. They had humongous pictures of dead babies on all four corners of the intersection. There is a planned parenthood about three miles down the road and down some other side streets. I just don't see how they think they are helping anybody. I had the boys with me and my sister and her daughter. My sister had a still birth at 21-22 weeks, so she feels just as strongly as I do. We both started getting very upset and my sister told me to turn around. I let her get out and she just laid into them. She told them how this really isn’t going to help stop abortion, all it’s doing is hurting people and how we didn’t want our children to be seeing this. I’m really proud of her because neither one of us are usually confrontational type of person. I just pulled in up the street a little bit for her to get back in. We tried to not let it ruin our day, but it’s just upset me that my kids had to see that and that they had to go through that. I really don’t see how this can even be legal to do, it is just not right!!

Shopping trip from h*&#

2009-02-26T14:48:00.000-08:00

Last night I needed to stop and get a few things at the store. It was just supposed to be a quick trip (or as quick as any shopping trip can be for a woman on payday). I grabbed the few things I needed and was just browsing a little bit. I was in the hair product aisle when Logan spotted something he apparently desperately needed. They had pinatas hanging in the aisles. We got him one for his last birthday and we've been talking lately that his birthing is coming up since his cousin just had hers last month. He started yelling that he needed his "pin-tata" over and over again. I told him no, that it's too soon and frankly I didn't like the selection the store had there. He started getting louder VERY QUICKLY so I knew it was time to go. In the 50 feet between there and the checkout line he turned into this:

Luckily I was second in line and hoped to get this over with very quickly. After ringing up a few of my things (VERY SLOWLY) the cashier asked me how my day was going. I think I detected a hint of sarcasm, but I let it slide. I was very quick to answer "pretty good until about two minutes ago." Ha, ha! 1 point for the mommy!! He then proceeded to take what seemed like 10 minutes to ring up 8 items. Meanwhile Logan is in the cart screaming like a banshee. He alternating between that and "I'm sorry mama, please don't go yet." We're finally done and as we're leaving he is stretching his body out of the cart, trying to "reach" his pinata. Poor kid, I may have scarred him for life.

Why me?

2009-02-20T09:32:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I got a speeding ticket on the way to work. My first speeding ticket EVER!! I was running late because I had to stop at the store on the way to work and it was extra cold out so I had to defrost the windows. I don't usually go so fast. In my defense, the guy in front of me was going faster than me. There was an unmarked state police in one of those new magums. I didn't even seem him until it was too late. Apparently I was going 67 in a 55. Oops. He ticketed me for only going five over, but it's still $93. To make my week even better, this morning my car wouldn't start. UGH!!!!

Ice cream day

2009-02-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

On the way home from work, I decided to get some ice cream from Cold Stone Creamery. I got a few individual ones and then a quart of Chocolate Devotion. I'll tell you what, that ice cream is the best EVER!! If I could have only one ice cream for the rest of my life, it would be that kind. A close second would be the Nestle Drumstick triple chocolate cone. They had fudge in the bottom of the cone, I used to get them in the hospital cafeteria when Cody was there. I really should think about eating healthier, it's just so hard. There's just not enough time in the day. It seems like it would take so much planning and will power. I don't really need to be a size 4, but it would be nice to lose 15 or so pounds. I keep making excuses and saying that once the weather is nicer I'll go for walks and work myself up to jogging.

Random thoughts

2009-02-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

We went shopping yesterday and to the mall, not too exciting. We went to lunch to this place that we hadn't been to in years. It was awful. It took almost an hour before we finally got our food and most of it was terrible. The bathroom smelled like they had some kind of sewage problem. Let's just say we won't ever be going back there...

While at the mall, we went to Build-a-bear. Logan made a blue teddy bear that he named Foofy. I know, pretty funny, right? Cody made a dog that he named Scruffy. Not too much else going on, I have to get the kids in the bath. I was going through some old photos, here are some random ones of Cody when he was little.

Circle of life

2009-02-02T12:26:00.000-08:00

My husbands grandpa is very sick and has been for some time apparently. There is a good chance that he will not make it more than a few more days. It was just last night that we were finally told that his outlook is very grim. It is a very sad time, he is a wonderful, kind and loving man. I remember when I lost my grandpa when I was 13. The grandkids always called him papa, as my kids do my dad now. He had been a cook in the Navy and when we would stay the night at the lake in the summer, he would make us whatever we wanted for breakfast. Even if that meant it was all different things. After he was gone, that side of the family just started drifting apart. Even as a kid, I remember it being a very hard time.

A coworker that is out on maternity leave came in with her week old baby today. She was so adorable with her peach fuzz hair and perfect little features. Newborns sure make my heart melt. I just cannot believe that my two boys were just a fraction of that size not all that long ago. The years just seem to fly by...

Still sick...

2009-01-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor about two weeks ago. I had a bad cough and was having a hard time breathing. It turned out that I had pneumonia. I'm up to feeling about 70% better. It's still hard to breathe sometimes. I am so worn out, I haven't had a good night sleep in ages. Tomorrow I really need to do some laundry and I really don't feel like it. Our dryer is not working good and we can't really get a new one right now. So after work, I'll have to take clothes to the laundry mat to dry. Then on Thursday I have to drive to Bainbridge Island for a bid that we're doing for work. It's over an hour drive, I'll be exhausted by the end of the day. I'm waiting on a W-2 for the stupid job that I had for only 2 1/2 months in 2008 so we can file our taxes. It just figures that they would be the ones holding me up. I really hated that job!! More about that at another time...

Long weekend...

2009-01-26T21:25:00.000-08:00

This weekend was my nieces birthday. My sister and I made the cake ourselves. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out, I think we did a good job for amateurs. We got this cool spray on frosting and it was really fun. The party was at Chuck E. Cheese, which is guaranteed to make for a long day. We got there really early so we could claim a few tables next to each other. I printed out some really good coupons from online. There were no meltdowns when we had to leave, which was a plus. I'm glad that they boys' birthdays are during warm weather. I usually just have them at a park near our house, a really big money saver. I can't wait till the weather warms up just a little bit so we can get rid of this cabin fever. There hasn't even been any good kid movies that have come out lately.

Mondays seems to be so stressful for me. You'd think I'd be nice a relaxed from a weekend off, but it's just the opposite. I feel exhausted by the time I get home. I'm not a coffee drinker, it's just gross to me I usually have every intention of going to sleep super early, but there's always things to do. I swear the will come a day when I will be caught up enough with housework that I'll go to bed on Monday at like 8:00. I'm sure that day will come no less than five years from now...

My little meanie...

2009-01-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

My youngest son just loves to try my patience. There are days where I just want to pull my hair out. For example, yesterday I met my mom to pick the boys up after I got off of work. Apparently he had been yelling and saying that he wanted to go home with grandma and not with me. Cody later told me that Logan had been saying "mean stuff about you" but he couldn't remember exactly what. As I'm getting him buckled in, he's telling me (or rather, SCREAMING) that he's going to go in his room and shut the door and sleep for two days. As he's telling me this, keep in mind the vein in his neck is bulging out about two inches. All of this just because I was making him come home with me. Boy don't I feel loved. I think it would be a good idea to invest now in a fund for therapy for his future wife. I am sure that she will need it. Don't get me wrong, he's not always that grouchy. Usually just about as quick as he gets into one of his moods, he is right back out of it. I'm sure the teenage years are going to be great though.

He can go from this:

to this:

in a matter of seconds.

Historic day

2009-01-20T21:11:00.000-08:00

I was looking forward to coming home from work today and catching up on the inauguration days events. But I guess there were other plans for me. I spent more than half the night breaking up little fights and kissing owies. No matter how many times the boys get yelled at to stop running or rough housing, they just never listen!! That is, not until someone ends up getting hurt. I really try not to get frustrated, but geez can we say I TOLD YOU SO!! Of course I know boys will be boys, but I constantly feel worried about them getting hurt. I probably worry too much. I feel bad for nagging them too much. Sometimes I just wish I could relax. But the I hear about certain things and I totally justify my crazy mom syndrome. Last week, a six year old boy died at a monster truck show. The very same one that my boys almost went to. They would have been there if it wasn't for that fact that there weren't any good seats left.

It seems like just yesterday when these two rambunctious boys looked like this:

and this:

They have far too quickly changed into this: